My mind is filled with thoughts tonight. And you’re one of them.
My close friend had a baby boy tonight. He beamed on the Skype call and showed him to me, a tiny red angry ball of hair and lungs, crying at full pitch. I felt my friend’s pride, and his gratitude. And when I hung up the calls, I didn’t think of your brothers. My first thought was for you.
Meliora. Your name means ‘conquer the world’ in Igbo and ‘ever better’ in Latin. You have a Yoruba name too, but I haven’t thought of it at this point. Maybe your mom will help. Actually, she more than likely will. I want you to understand that even though I haven’t seen you yet, I have hopes for you and that is why I chose your name. Seeing my friend’s son really showed me what it’s like to come into the world. I want you to come ready. I want you to come prepared. And please, I beg you. When you come, take it easy on your mother. I know why I said that. I’ll explain later.
I don’t worry for you, per se. You will, by God’s grace, have my dauntless spirit. You will have my energy. And your mother’s. Which means you will be strong willed. You will own your very reality. You will take on the world and win, because that’s what’s in you. Your mom is the same way except she’s got the extra advantage of looking absolutely beautiful. Just as I know you will.
What I do worry about is the pressure of living in a world where, for you, the rules are different. And make no mistake about it, they are. I can’t even begin to tell you all the ways. But go ahead and break them from time to time though, you’re my daughter after all-you have my permission.
I won’t discuss the hopes I have for you. This post is about catharsis and unburdening, because I know what I saw tonight. And regardless of all the hopes I have for you as your earthly father, understand that you have a Father in heaven and he has actual plans for you. Somewhere, under the rhythms of this world you’re in, I pray you find Him. I will try my best to show you how but you ultimately have to find Him for yourself. Or let Him find you. And when you do, your entrance into this world will finally make sense. And nothing will be impossible for you.
There’s this thing called baby fever that I never felt before until now. But right now? It has me. Bad. Which is why I’m writing this so you understand that it’s possible to be loved even before you exist.
Your mom will try to convince you she loves you more but you and I know the truth. Let’s try not to make her jealous. We’ll share the rest of these thoughts later. Together.
For now, know that I couldn’t wait to have you.